Girl Tries Baby: 32 Weeks – Forgiveness

Hi baby,

Okay… I think you’re running out of room. In some ways, I think my belly could do with growing a little bit more, because you are wriggling and squirming and it’s getting uncomfortable! You especially like to do this when I’m tired! This week I was on a training course, and you had a funny way of head butting me in the ribs at the most awkward of moments, but I still love you, naturally.

32 weeks

So, little baby, you’ll come to find in life that when you’re meant to learn a lesson, the universe has a way of putting that lesson in front of you, again and again and again. It knocks at your door, patiently, irritatingly, waiting for you to open it.

This week that lesson for me, and for you, is about forgiveness. I won’t lie, I suck at forgiveness. I do. I hold grudges. Perhaps I forgive, but I rarely forget, and it’s a definite weakness on my part. Right now, I’m facing situations of betrayal, lies and hurtful words, coming from more than one person in my life, people that I love dearly. Forgiveness is something I aspire to, but I’m struggling with like you can’t imagine.

And so, the universe has come knocking at my door.

Two things happened this week that made me take pause. First, I was listening to the Dear Sugar podcast and the topic of forgiveness came up, in particular about a girl forgiving her father for his infidelity during her childhood. Cheryl Strayed, podcaster at Dear Sugar and author of Wild, spoke about how forgiveness isn’t a one-time deal. Forgiveness is an ongoing decision you have to make. You’ll have good days and bad days, some days you may even have that rage come back (a rage I feel all too well right now), but that’s the animal that is forgiveness. I could relate to that, heart and soul. I’m trying my best to forgive people in my life right now, but there are times when I’m passive aggressive and hurtful, even though I really want to be able to move on. There are times when I just can’t forget what’s happened, so it’s hard to see what there can be in the future.

But, it’s an ongoing process, right? I have to continue to make the decision to forgive if I ever hope to achieve it.

So, why forgive?

This brings us to situation number two. I was watching an interview with Hillary Clinton and a quote came up that I really connected with. It said, “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

32 weeks

That stopped me in my tracks. Unconsciously, I knew it. And you will too, one day. When you hold in the hurt, anger or frustration, ultimately the person that you’re harming is yourself. Anger is like a poison, oozing through your bloodstream, often literally as it will raise your blood pressure through the roof. When I’m angry or hurt, I take to the shower. It might sound silly, but when I’m in the shower I often ‘practice’ those difficult conversations. Or, I say what I want to say, exactly how I want to say it, knowing that I’ll never say it. Ultimately, most of those showers end in tears, but at least I can wash them away, right?

Recently someone asked me how I could even contemplate forgiving a certain person in my life. They’d hurt me so badly, so how could I even think about forgiving them? Well, rightly or wrongly, I’ve come to the decision that at the end of the day, I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and be okay with how I handled the situation. I need to be comfortable with how I’ve proceeded, how I’ve acted, and how I’ve chosen to live my life. I can’t let other peoples’ views of how I should or shouldn’t have acted creep in, though it’s so easy to do that.

Forgiveness really doesn’t mean forgetting, but it does mean moving forward, even if it’s one step at a time, dragging your feet through sand. I’ll never be able to forget the things that have been said and done this year. Never. But I can choose to move on, for my own sake, and for yours, if nothing else.

So, what’s the lesson, little one? It’s that forgiveness is not easy. It’s hard, painfully so at times, but it’s about setting yourself free. Does that mean that you say “I forgive you” and you’re done? Not at all? It’s continual. It fluctuates. It can even wear you down. But look in the mirror. Are you comfortable with who you see looking back at you?

I love you, little one.

And I forgive you for keeping me awake at night (32 times last night according to my FitBit – ahem!).

Love,

Mum

FUN FACTS

  • You’re as big as a squash. At least you’re starting to become seasonal.
  • I can eat chicken again! Not that I was missing chicken, but on the course this week it was the only meat on offer, so I gave it a try, and go figure, you’ve decided to be friends with chicken again.
  • 8 weeks… Not so much a fact as a reflection. You’re going to be here in two months and it’s so surreal. I feel that I’ve let the stress of this year take away from how very special it is to be pregnant – some aren’t so lucky – so I hope to cherish every (sleepless) moment I have left.
  • Hospital Outfit – I’ve already decided what you’re wearing when you come home from the hospital, girl or boy. A certain someone is probably gonna like it!
  • Babymoon – Next week your Dad and I are off to Canmore for two nights for his birthday. It won’t be super active, no hiking per say, but I look forward to the break, the fresh air and our last trip as a twosome for the foreseeable future.

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2 Responses to Girl Tries Baby: 32 Weeks – Forgiveness

  1. Nicole October 25, 2015 at 4:26 pm #

    You are looking exceptionally pregnant and beautiful <3 my fave quote re: forgiveness is from Buffy NATURALLY when Giles tells Buffy that "forgiveness is an act of compassion." If I am feeling particularly melodramatic I like to reflect on that while singing Deb Talen's "Forgiven" with much gesticulating.

    I'm glad you started listening to the Cheryl Strayed podcast! I love her so much. I find more truths in her books than in virtually anything else in my life.

    You're a rockstar <3

    • Victoria Smith October 25, 2015 at 4:38 pm #

      Cheryl Strayed is my therapist of choice! I listen to an episode every couple of days and she’s ON THE BALL about life. As is the guy on the show… name escapes me at the moment.

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