Technically I’ve drafted this week’s letter on Saturday. I always write them on a Saturday… but today I was really hoping NOT TO HAVE NEEDED TO. It’s been a super frustrating week. Four nights in a row, I’ve gone to bed thinking that this was the night. My back aches, I’ve had other unattractive signs of labour and I continue to get sharp pains through my pelvis, into my glutes and down the right side of my leg.
“It’s happening!” I think. Surely I can manage this kind of discomfort for the reward at the end.
And then… the reward doesn’t come. I wake up without contractions, to a crying cat instead of a crying baby.
I’ve definitely battled my depression throughout pregnancy, more due to situational stressors than just my regular bad days, but these past two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. Wednesday and Thursday this week were just bad days. I could cry at the drop of the hat, I just wanted this baby out of me and I was ready for something to change. Daily frustration, boredom, hurt and anger were rolling around in me, so I’m actually not surprised that you decided to stay put… though I think I would have kicked those feelings if you’d decided to show up.
Here’s what you’re teaching me this week. Patience. While I’m early for life, you might not be. While I have visions of what motherhood is, it will likely be extremely different. Not bad, not necessarily better, but different than what I’m expecting. Parenting won’t happen on a timeline. You’ll crawl when you want to crawl, talk when you want to talk, and I have to throw those charts that say ‘normal’ out the window. We’re each different and we take our own time, right from the very start.
Again, and I should have learned this by now, I need to focus only on that which I can control. I can’t control when you arrive, no matter how much I bounce on the damn fit ball or walk around the apartment encouraging you further down. What I can do (pain allowing), is continue to prep the house, do whatever laundry I can, cook an extra meal for the freezer, have coffee with friends and finish any and all paperwork for our new house. I can pack another box, one less to pack in January when I have you with me.
I can try to control how I react to this situation. Let’s be honest, I have hormone soup raging in my system right now, but as long as you’re healthy chilling out in my belly, that’s all that matters.
I love you, kid. Take your own time.
Just know that the longer you wait, the more likely you’ll be born near or on Christmas Day. I’ll remind you of that when you give me sass about joint birthday/holidays in future… I was ready and waiting! You took your sweet time, my darling child.
- You’re as big as a jackfruit, which seems enormous!
- There were two babies at Birth and Babies this week. ADORABLE! You need to get out so that you can meet your new friends.
- I’ve had to alter our plans for your hospital outfit. Thank god for Birth and Babies class, as this fool didn’t know that you could NOT wear your snowsuit in your car seat. It’s been pretty darn chilly for the past week, so I’ve now repacked your back with loads of blankets to keep you toasty on the ride home. Plus… I’ll be sitting right next to you. It’s only a 10 minute drive, but I know I’ll want to be right next to you.