Sh*t I Never Expected To Say As A Mother

We’ve had some semi-serious parenting posts of late, so why not a little levity today, hey? I’ve had many moments of “did I just say that?” recently, so thought I’d share for some comic relief.

“Look, it’s not my fault you peed on your face. Really, shouldn’t I be the one crying here?”

“Have I ever NOT fed you before?”

Note: logic doesn’t work with a newborn.

“It’s not coming off! How are you supposed to get poop off of balls?”

Listen… some baby poop is tar-like and their junk has too many wrinkles that it can hide in. It’s not easy. 

“Is it…? Nope! Just a fart.”

This kid has epic, foul farts. 

Me to David: “My coworker tells me that sleep deprivation is one of the top tactics used by the CIA to break people.”

David: “So,  you’re saying our kid is a terrorist?”

Me: “I could believe it.”

Said on next to no sleep whatsoever. 

David: “What do you think he’s dreaming about?”

Me: “Pooping.”


Moving into toddler years…

“Get your foot out of your poop!”

“Don’t lick up your sick!”

“Nope. I don’t want your boogers in my mouth, thank you very much.”

“Everybody needs pants!”

“Stop biting me!”

“Can you please get your hands off your balls! I’m trying to wipe down there.”

Basically, most things I never expected to say all have to do with bodily functions…

Bonus from a gal in my Birth and Babies class:

“What is it about sucking, pulling and twisting on my nipples, all at the same time, that feels right to you?”

A sampling of some of the song lyrics that this sleep-deprived parent makes up while changing her kid:

“Nobody likes to have people in their junk, people in their junk, people in their junk. Nobody likes to have people in their junk, even if they’re changing a diaper!”

“If you change your mind, I’m the first in line. Mommy I have peed. Put the pants on me.” To the tune of Abba’s Take a Chance On Me. 

Again, I’m tired these days, so perhaps it’s just me that finds these funny. Anyone else want to share some golden gems they’ve uttered as a parent? Comment below!

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9 Responses to Sh*t I Never Expected To Say As A Mother

  1. Jude January 17, 2016 at 8:25 am #

    “Bum, bum, shitty shitty bum bum; shitty shitty bum bum we love you”

    • Victoria Smith January 17, 2016 at 8:57 am #

      LOVE this! Lol. Oh man, the things we say to kids while we wipe up after their bodily functions. Sigh.

    • Nicole January 17, 2016 at 10:12 am #

      Is that to the tune of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? You’re my hero!

  2. Nicole January 17, 2016 at 10:15 am #

    Hahahaha these are awesome. Me and Kevin obviously do not have a baby but we do spend a lot of time rubbing Tia’s heart chakra and giving her long explanations for our expectations of her behaviour which is like…probably not as effective as saying “TIa sit”

    • Victoria Smith January 17, 2016 at 11:00 am #

      Logic seems not to work with either dogs or babies, it would seem!

  3. Karen Gallagher-Burt January 17, 2016 at 10:49 am #

    Ha Ha! I found this hilarious and it reminded me how much I like my adult children. Although my 28 year old daughter was visiting yesterday and I wanted to go in the bathroom while she was “Sitting”. When she laughed and said no my reply was “I’ve seen everything, been sprayed with everything and wiped everything. Let me in.” Amidst gales of laughter we both recognized that some boundaries have to be created because as a Mum, I have poor ones!

    Things I recall are the the attempts to get my kids to sleep. My first (daughter) was a dream feed her and she fell asleep. We could then burp her and change her, sometimes with her STILL asleep. At one point I thought she had narcolepsy she slept to easily and often. I later learned this was a trick to entice me to have a second child, a son we shall call Lucifer. Second and last for a reason. I learned I did not have mad skills but instead had an easy first child.

    Lucifer fought sleep from the moment he was born. Hence came the technique of hypnosis! (Not really, but it worked for me!) While swaying with him in my arms I would gently touch his face and say in this order :Two big eyes (Gently running my fingers over his eyelids), rosebud lips (Touching his lips) and a nut nose (Gently tapping his nose causing him to blink (Even seconds closing his eyes was a start)…..after doing this numerous times (10 million or so) his eyes would close a little longer each time and if the stars aligned and the saints smiled down, he would fall asleep. To this day if I even sing the song he will turn to me and said “Don’t”. If my daughter hears it she will fall asleep instantly which brings me back to the narcolepsy theory.

    Ah sweet memories………

    • Victoria Smith January 17, 2016 at 10:56 am #

      Bahahaha that is amazing!! Yeah, I’m not sure yet if Jack is considered easy or not. I’m sure it could be MUCH worse, but I certainly get overwhelmed when we pass 1.5 hours of crying and I’ve done all I can think of. I’m going to say we’re having a growth spurt and not that I’m a challenged mother… though the baby blues make you THINK you’re an awful Mom. This too shall pass, and then I’ll be missing his teeny tiny phase, tears and all.

  4. Irma January 18, 2016 at 3:26 pm #

    Soooooo funny!! And so relieved that as an Auntie, I have never had to worry about getting the tar-like poop off the balls. 🙂

    • Victoria Smith January 21, 2016 at 9:29 am #

      Oh man! It’s disgusting and requires some serious elbow grease

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